Experiences of Grief

[Bunniekins]

@eth  Hi eth your words made me feel so sad :(. It is hard to express how sad it has made me feel. I will tell you something (nothing as bad as yours) but I lost twins at 13 weeks. I was devasted but put my feelings in a box which I did not open again until now decades later .... some things you never get over but deal with in your own way.. xxx

[eth]

@Hope4me  @Appleblossom  @Bunniekins   I feel for you all too.   And I agree with you Apple that griefwork is a significant process in learning to accept feelings of grief and still function in the world.  " Grief work is finding a way to put your loss into perspective and to weave your loss into the fabric of your life."

Greenpea your loss is just as big as mine.  I don't think anyone's triggers for grief are any the less than others'.  Whatever capsized your boat, you are still just trying not to sink.  Remember you are a strong and capable woman now, who impresses me all the time.

Hope4me thanks for the feedback.  I'm trying to get up the confidence to read at the writers centre gathering and work towards having some things published.  I'd like to feel that all the trials and tribulations we've all been through make us better people, more compassionate and empathic, and able to support others out there having just as difficult a journey in life.

Hoping all here are remembering to do some self-care activities and reach out for support when needed while we share about these feelings.   I've been doing garden jobs and also been to water tai chi, which totally puts me in the present moment.  As do the bridge lessons I've been to twice now.   If there's any way I can support any of you please let me know.  

[Exoplanet]

@ethYour words on greif are real, they are lived, for years. Years of falling, grasping for a sharp ledge with one finger, knowing it will slice & you will fall again. Hoping for a different pain, one strong enough to change what your feeling. Love to you

[eth]

You have such a way with words @Exoplanet .  Do you write much?

I found several different pains in the years since, but none of them changed the one I wrote of here.  Except to compound grief.   I just discovered this : 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complicated_grief_disorder

Proposed diagnostic criteria[edit]

According to Shear et al. (2011):[1]

• The person has been bereaved (i.e. experienced the death of a loved one) for at least six months
• At least one of the following symptoms of persistent, intense, acute grief has been present for a period longer than is expected by others in the person’s social (or cultural) environment:
  • Persistent intense yearning or longing for the person who died
  • Frequent intense feelings of loneliness, or that life is empty or meaningless without the person who died
  • Recurrent thoughts that it is unfair, meaningless or unbearable to live when a loved one has died, or a recurrent urge to die in order to find (or join) the deceased
  • Frequent preoccupying thoughts about the person who died; e.g. thoughts or images of the person intrude on activities or interfere with functioning
• At least two of the following symptoms are present for at least one month:
  • Frequent, troubling rumination about the circumstances (or consequences) of the death (concerns about how or why the person died, about not being able to manage without their loved one, thoughts of having let the deceased person down, etc.)
  • Recurrent feeling of disbelief or inability to accept the death
  • Persistent feeling of shock; feeling stunned, dazed or emotionally numb since the death
  • Recurrent feelings of anger or bitterness related to the death
  • Persistent difficulty trusting or caring about other people, or envy of others who have not experienced a similar loss
  • Frequently experiencing pain (or other symptoms) that the deceased person had, hearing the voice of (or seeing) the deceased person
  • Experiencing intense emotional or physiological reactivity to memories of the person who died or to reminders of the loss
  • Changes in behavior due to avoidance (or its opposite, excessive proximity-seeking—refraining from going places, doing things, or having contact with things that are reminders of the loss; feeling drawn to reminders of the person—wanting to see, touch, hear or smell things to feel close to the person who died). Both symptoms may coexist in the same individual.
• Duration of symptoms and impairment of at least one month

Symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other major areas of functioning, where impairment is not explicable as a culturally appropriate response

@CheerBear @Razzle @Zoe7 @Bunniekins  @Exoplanet  @Appleblossom @Hope4me @Shaz51 @Owlunar   some of you may relate to the above.  I certainly do.  It's pretty obvious to me that there is an overlap between the above and complex PTSD. 

[Hope4me]

Wow! Thankyou for that indepth description @eth. As I was reading, it took me back to different times I've dealt with grief. Not in a feeling way, just visual prompts.

As with mental health issues, especially ptsd and its complex friend, researching to find words that express the seemingly unexpressable, can bring a sense of relief. It certainly did for me. I hope searching for answeres and writing them here to help us understand, has provided similar relief for you as well.

I spoke with a friend who suffers clinical depression about trying to describe cptsd and what it feels like. She said she'd experienced the same with her condition. As much as we tried, we couldn't really help 'each other' really understand the complexities of our worlds. So it makes perfect sense that non sufferers of MI or deep grief won't get it.

Kind thoughts;

Hope xo 

[eth]

A sort of relief @Hope4me , in that I am able to go "Oh so that's a thing" ... knowing that there are others who respond similarly to grief, enough of them for it to be given a diagnostic definition.   Sometimes a label can be helpful (tho I'm aware many people don't like them, myself included at times) just because it enables us to describe what we're dealing with more succinctly.  We find the words, the language, to identify with and express ourselves rather than continuing to swim aimlessly in the mire.  Like when I read the article @CheerBear  referenced regarding disenfranchised grief.

And then, hopefully, it might become easier for us to find a path to assimilating our grief and remaining functional in the world.

[Appleblossom]

This is a powerful thread @eth 

I also think grief overlaps and maybe involved in the etiology of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I observed it with my brother, and here on the forum in people's stories.  I notice the DSM descriptions often lack the connect and the context.  I have been "studying grief" since my 20s when my sister died. 

We knew dad died, but there were also many other forms of grief from our childhoods that we were not allowed to process.  Grief certainly compounded in my life.

[Hope4me]

Yes, I agree with the label thing @eth 

Like you, finding there was a 'name' for what I had was a huge help. That opened the door to understanding myself moreso than getting others to comprehend what was wrong with me, that came later.

After my Nan died, (I was 15) I had no idea about grief and neither did my parents, so they couldn't explain to me that what I was experiencing was normal. I buried it deep inside me as it was affecting school and my daily life. The only inkling of evidence grief existed, was when [her] name was uttered. I'd feel soulfully sad and cry for ages not knowing what to do about it; I thought there was something wrong with me.

In my 30's a counsellor suggested I write my Nan a letter to get all those feelings out. It began ok while I wrote how much I missed her etc, but then something snapped and I began tearing at the page with my pen in an angry rage. The words finally appeared..."I hate you for leaving me alone with HER!" (My mother) I hit the pillow many times screaming in agony, then it passed and I cried from relief.

The guilt and shame of feeling this way about someone I loved and admired deeply was what I buried, not her memory which is what I thought it was. I've never cried hearing or saying her name since.

Grief and ptsd have psychological causes obviously, but they're invisible at the time due to the excruciating pain we experience. You just don't have the capacity to cope with analysing the cause while your body and mind are hurting like that.

I think I'm lucky my counsellor had that knowledge to pass onto me, just as I am here on this thread. I really hope my experience can help unlock someone elses hidden secrets in their broken heart too.

Kind thoughts;

Hope xo 

Waves to @Appleblossom @Bunniekins @Exoplanet @Zoe7 🖐💌

[eth]

Sending love @Appleblossom and @Hope4me   

[Appleblossom]

I raised questions around grief early in my posting 2015 on this forum. I was surprised there was little discussion and only a focus on diagnoses.  I like the blog on grief which SANE added later.

Tears for those in suffering