Lived Experience Forum

[Anonymous29]

Now please, I just want someone who has had a similar experience. I am aware I give alot of myself to those around me. I can identify I have a "giving" personality per say. I am learning my limits. But why do people continue to take so much from me?! 

I am a kind person, understanding, always there for those in need, I care for the people whom are in my life and would do absolutely anything to see their success. But why, just why do they keep taking from me until I have nothing left in me. I know I speak out, I set my boundaries at the start. I have a system of asking nicely, sternly then I get a bit cranky but who doesn't?!... 

I swear I go above and beyond, with the  relationships i have had past and present. I support their growth, I tell them the truth in a respectful manner, don't talk shit about people behind their backs (Because I honestly don't feel like that is a very good thing to doing with my very limited time), I listen, I talk, I hear them out, I go to them if in need, I always have my arms and my home wide open for them, the people I have been around say, that they feel comfortable around me and they trust me. 

But they slowly just take and take and put me down, disregard my existence unless my existence assists them, don't support me in the smallest of manners (like in my ex and Is relationship - all I asked for was help around the house for me to do my hobbies a little more freely, because my hobbies involved cooking an baking etc. Just for the dishes to be stacked and placed in the dishwasher. Mind you I have made dinner every night and I thought  that was a simple enough task to help me out but no, it was never done, no matter how many times I explained and told them about why). My old friend would introduce her nurse friends as lovely, wonderful, talented nurses and "My name" was just my name when introduced to others 

My mum, always telling me I have to do more for my younger sisters, I practically raised them when I was growing up.  

I am always working on myself, not for the validation of those around me. But just the true happiness you feel inside as the you, you created has emerged into the next chapter of life. But why do people try and constantly try to take away that self drive, self content, that happiness you have.

Then when it comes to my success and the path I would like to walk. No one wants to join or even have the time of day to listen to it.... even after I have listened and supported their own highs and lows of growth.... like why and i the one always falling behind and in the most shittiest situations at the end. 

It's honestly like I have to take 20 to 30 most steps to get ahead than everyone else. 

Id there a problem with me? 

[tyme]

Hey @Anonymous29 ,

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of reflecting recently.

I'm sorry things have felt so challenging for you. 

Sometimes, we can think we are the 'issue', yet we also need to balance this out with environmental factors and so forth.

Of course, no one is perfect, and there are things every one of us can work on. 

When people treat you in a way you don't expect, would you consider raising this with them and letting them know how it has affected you?

Sometimes, people may hurt us and have no idea that they are doing it.

Please know we are here to hear you out and that you are not alone.

I'll also tag other members for their insights @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @Oaktree @NatureLover 

[Zoe7]

Hey @Anonymous29 It does seem that you are a very giving person and sometimes those people that are on the receiving end of that take you for granted. I can relate to some of that as I was always the one giving but never receiving when I needed a little help myself. It reminds me of a (once) friend. She would always cancel or change plans and expect me to be okay with that ...and to an extent I was because we were pretty close. Then she had a cosmetics party the day after my family and I had travelled for hours to visit my dying Nan. I contacted my friend to say I did not think I would be able to make the party (and told her why). She said nothing about my Nan but rather exclaimed that "I always do this to her". I was devastated as it was not only not correct but quite the opposite - she always cancelled or changed plans to suit herself. I went to that party for a short period (kind of a last contact) and did not talk to that friend again. She never asked about my Nan (who died a couple of days later) nor asked how myself or my family where.

I think sometimes we are taken for granted with how much we give and those around us that 'take' from us not only expect that but also rely on that. We can choose to continue to be a doormat for those people or change what we do. I have to say, in changing ourselves it can be a very lonely place for a while but in the long run those people that stay are those that are truly our friends. The shining light for us personally is to develop more self respect and stronger friendships based on mutual respect with those that 'stick around'.

I certainly do not see you as the problem but you are also not going to change others' actions/behaviours/views - so in that respect, you do have to change/adapt what you do in respect to those people. It will not be easy as there will no doubt be push back but those people also do not deserve your kindness.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Anonymous29 

Just wanted to say that it can be very difficult to find balance in relationships, or know when to pull back when we have been placed in the role of caretaker from a young age, rather than caretaking as a parent who has both knowledge and authority, as well as established boundaries (usually). 

It can be helpful to remind yourself that you are a good, deserving person, and that pulling back or walking away from connections that don't value you to the same standard might be uncomfortable at first (either in small degrees or larger) but in time will allow you to redefine the boundaries of respect with them. They will either understand and want to meet halfway, or not. And you will know. 

Be kind to yourself, as you would to others. You deserve that 🙂