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jfirej58
Casual Contributor

Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

Hello,

 

What brings me to the forum: I have been in a relationship with a girl for 1 year. In the 3rd month of the relationship i saw a diagnosis of bpd and possibly bipolar, or vice versa. She even asked me if i think she has those disorders. At the time, it was too early in the relationship for me to understand what it was all about. As time progressed, though some behaviors were so erratic that I was compelled to research the term BPD.

I notice: indecision, impulse and imagined perception of people disliking her or not caring about her, mood swings, recently a violent outburst of shouting or screaming due to a minor and negligible mistake (ie a plate of food fell down - i would not panic and simply clean that up, but she went into a rage). The decision to buy something takes weeks and months and the more the choices the worse the process is for me, and also her. her mind becomes upset, as i cannot seem to explain things to her in ways which for most people would be quite acceptable. And too because my advice or opinion is sought. She cant seem to make a decision by herself for such things. Self confidence issues, she is beautiful to look at but doesnt think much of her looks, 70% of the time she is immensely depressed about one thing or the other. Sometimes says wants to end her life. I assure her often.She has done DBT before according to her, but doesnt think much of it.

 I am a generally very happy person at this stage of my life (though i have been through situational depression and through will power and some good friends determination expanded my understanding of life). But i do not know how to help my girlfriend and i am worried about her. I dont even know if her parents know this, whether they know that some form of treatment (DBT) etc is required.  I would like to connect with somebody who might help me out in understanding how to talk to her.  But sometimes i too am beginning to get depressed now in the obsessive thought patters she displays and the indecision on anything, and i am not sure how to ask her to seek help. I can never talk to her about my emotions, its as though it is my fault for asking things which one needs in a relationship. She is not a bad person, she even knows what to do , but cannot bring herself to implement strategies or decisions. 

21 REPLIES 21

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

Hey there @jfirej58

Welcome to the forums, it takes a lot of courage to reach out. I've moved your post introducing yourself to it's own thread so that people can jump in and offer their wisdom! The purpose of the introductions thread is mainly for hellos. I had to give your new thread a title, but please feel free to change it Smiley Happy

 

This sounds like a really distressing time for your girlfriend and for you supporting her. I'm sorry to hear you are also feeling some depression, it is very common when supporting someone who is frequently experiencing such high distress. 

 

What do other members do to try any encourage a loved one to get support? How do you support yourself when they are currently making a choice not to do this?

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

How are things going at the moment @jfirej58

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

It is really hard. It is hard because she just seems so dysregulated on a near-daily basis. It seems that nothing that I do makes a difference. Even if I calmly try to guide a plan of action to solve various scenarios (for e.g gynecological problems require immediate attention), but she is so damn dysregulated on a scenario by scenario basis that i cannot apply my own capacity in trying to help her. I am really frustrated and on the verge of getting angry. I also not sure who to make aware of this situation, because of the stigma. On a daily basis, i spend long amounts of time chatting and listening to the same problems again and again. Every time I suggest she see a counselor to help to learn management techniques, she just says she doesn't need it. She says, "I just need to be loved". I have done the best i can, and i am getting drained in trying to love her. Every week twice she mentions taking her life. recently she's started turning against me by unfriending me on fb or blocking me, then writing to me on SMS. And when i try and converse, everything i say seems to not get through and cause her dysregulation. Today i took time off work to take her to a doctor, and at the end of the appointment i said it is time for me to go back to work, and make up the time. She simply could not understand that. I let it be because i realized that the shock of going to a doctor to investigate genealogical problems might have been too much for her to take. I was already 40 minutes late to go back to work. So i mentioned it a few times over another 15 minutes, yet she just seemed to find fault. She yelled at her dad, and then by the time i got back to work well and truly late by 2 hours, i found i was blocked on fb social media. And then hours later SMS msgs about members of her family not caring, etc etc. 

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

Hey @jfirej58 I'm so sorry I missed this until now. If you want another person on the forums (member or moderator) to get a notification of your post you need to put an @ in front of their username. 

 

I can hear how drained you are feeling by the behaviours and her response to your boundaries. Have you had a look at any other threads by carers of people with BPD here? Here are a few: HELP WITH BPD FRIEND and BPD carer.

 

Also if you want to talk about in person supports for you, try the SANE Help Centre on 1800 187 263.

 

How are things at the moment?

 

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

Hi @jfirej58 I can sympathize with what you are currently going through as I am also the carer for my partner who has BPD. I have also struggled with depression and still with anxiety, both which can be made worse by issues regarding my partner. I think it is extremely important for you to seek out some support for yourself. As carers for others we often forget to care for ourselves and if we don't look after ourselves we will not be of any use to the people we are trying to care for. 

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

Hi mate I’ve just found this forum as well. I can identify all of the things that you have mentioned. It seems this illnesses just imprints immense sorrow that changes from one moment to the next.

I don’t if I could give you any other advice other than the advice that I refuse to accept my self ‘RUN’.

You can’t fix it. It’s broken and allways will be.

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

Hey @Cairns , just thought I would weigh in here. It sounds like you've been in a similar situation and it's great you want to provide some support and insight. However we always encourage members to provide support in a way that encourages folks to make their own decisions. In your post for instance:


@Cairns wrote:
I don’t if I could give you any other advice other than the advice that I refuse to accept my self ‘RUN’.

You can’t fix it. It’s broken and allways will be.

I am really hearing that this comes from your own experiences, but sometimes it's better to focus on ways we can find hope for the future, even in those moments we feel truly stuck. Maybe things do feel broken now, for both yourself and the thread author, but change is the only constant in this world and there's no way to be sure that things will stay broken forever. Heart

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

@Jynx

Yes you are  correct I probably did flavour the response from my own experience.

I served in the Aust Army for 14 years and in that time lost part of myself that has never come back and or will. I know the most common phrase is that you go over there and part of you never comes back. I have also heard that part of you dies but the bodies still lives.

 

My Experience with Madison was the same and her explanation was the pathways in her brain were blocked, no mater how much therapy and or talking she did about it the block was permanent.

 

I asked my Doctor who has significant experience with BPD, for strategies, her responses were not so positive. BPD is the most complicated, unforgiving  of conditions that I have experienced. My response should have not said to run but support her with what you can but know she is ultimately responsible for her own actions.

 

Take Care of yourself

Re: Supporting girlfriend with possible BPD

@Cairns @jfirej58 

 

Thank you for your posts.

 

My heart goes out to you as carers of pwBPD.

 

Please hang in there. I am here to prove there is hope.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teens. I was a mess. Yes @Cairns , I felt faulty, broken and irrepairable. I wanted to be 'fixed' but did not know how. People around me were drained. I could see I was hurting them, but I needed their reassurance and love.

 

Please understand we did not choose to be like this. Just as someone may not choose to have a physical handicap, we do not choose to have BPD. My diagnosis did not help at first because of the stigma behind it - that's right...the stigma that borderlines are attention-seeking, 'toxic' people who will never improve.

 

Over 15 years on, I am still here. I could not be happier and more appreciative of the fact that I have BPD. BPD has taught me so much. It has made me who I am and helped me to come in contact with amazing people. Don't get me wrong, it has been very hard work with 'talking therapy' but I believe it has paid off and continues to do so. I have been through intense Mentalisation-Based Therapy, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy/Acceptance and Committment Therapy as well as groups to develop psychosocial skills. IT WORKS!!!! I still have traits of BPD and am not 'cured', but I can now function extremely well and am PROUD TO HAVE BPD.

 

Key to any therapy is WILLINGNESS. For therapy to work, I had to be simply 'sick of being sick', 'sick of being me'. I needed boundaries, consistencies and people who would stand by those boundaries (even when we kicked).

 

Please hang in there. Seek therapy for yourself and your loved one because it is totally worth it. I love being able to support others who are going through what I have gone through, and can only do this because people did NOT see me as broken - I was an adult with the emotional capability of an infant, and did not choose to be like this.

 

Change IS possible. I'm here to prove it.

 

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

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