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23-03-2017 11:11 PM
23-03-2017 11:11 PM
thoughts about being chronically suicidal
I have written this in present tense – I just think it reads better that way. but it is about events 2 years ago. I have been thinking a lot about the way that for well over 6 months I was telling people I was thinking about suicide and yet when I tried it everyone seemed surprised… This is written as though I were talking to the people who were treating me – kind of a “what I wish you knew”
I think you see me as though I am standing on the edge of a cliff. You see me standing on secure ground. Looking back at you saying “I am going to jump” and “I mean it, I am really going to do it this time”. You wonder why I never walk away from the cliff. And after a while begin to see me like the boy in the story who cried “wolf”. And think “If she really wanted to die, she would have done it already”.
I wish you could see. I’m already over the edge. I am clinging onto the top with all the strength I possess. But I’m fighting against something that feels as inevitable as gravity. I can’t hold on forever. I wish you could see that everytime I talk to you about suicide I need help to hold on. Even if for just one day or one night. And I wish you could see that I need more help. Beyond what you can give. I need someone who is trained to help me back up onto safe ground. If I stay where I am I will fall one day. Because while you can grab my arm and help me hold on for an extra day or week or month or more. Eventually… you will get tired too. I can’t hold on forever. You can’t hold on forever.
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23-03-2017 11:56 PM
23-03-2017 11:56 PM
Re: thoughts about being chronically suicidal
I hope you have managed to find someone trained.
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24-03-2017 01:14 AM
24-03-2017 01:14 AM
Re: thoughts about being chronically suicidal
Very apt analogy @Ali585
Yes that describes my brother and sister to some extent.
I will remember it next time when I need to deal with stigma, socially.
Today I told my therapist I was going to mention a few names at the Royal Commission regarding stigma I have had to deal with .. and that is not even in mentioning my suicidal ideation, but because I made the mistake in mentioning that my siblings had suicided.
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24-03-2017 02:21 AM
24-03-2017 02:21 AM
Re: thoughts about being chronically suicidal
My head my hands are really slow
The worlds a beehive over head
Trapped beneath i fear and dred
I see that vine, I see the drop
deadly snakes all egg me on
Crushing sadness, twisted truth.
Darkest thoughts, stolen youth
How to speak it, wanting to go
Who will believe or want to know
Do it swift the voices say
all thats left is darker days
My only solace - hand to task
Looking good my coping mask
But underneath a raging war
Humpty Dumpty about to fall
Tawnz 2012