Lived Experience Forum

[Kriss]

I knew I had an issue with this for awhile. That I dehumanised myself for the longest of times and devalued myself but I only recently realised where it actually likely came from.

But now I realised how insidious it actually is for me. Like, it shapes my interactions and actions, my confidence and self worth, how i view myself, how i treat myself.

I didn't realise how deeply ingrained it actually was.

While I'm working through it slowly, I realised that my environment, mainly my family, has shaped this idea within me that I do not matter more than anyone else.

The need to be perfect, to be able to deal with all my emotions on my own because I had the 'brain' to do so.

To be the one who has to do everything. 

I didn't get to have the empathy others deserved. I don't get to be angry even when others take it out on me.

I don't get to have the right.

I just had to somehow be, and take on more and more and more.

I had simply let people use me because I didn't matter. I wasn't human.

I'm something for people to use, to show. And if I speak up, it won't be heard.

I'm some exception, an anomaly. Even to something i supposedly represent, i simply don't count. No matter the evidence.

And i just have to keep giving? I'll keep getting invalidated and keep feeling shame and guilt everytime I decide to treat myself as a human to be heard. A human that can reach out to.

What I'm trying to get at is, how would you guys deal with it? Is it really just, me slowly convincing my brain? What if i'm still stuck in an environment that reinforces such a thing? Is there anything I can do?

I'm trying my best but now I'm just so angry and tired and frustrated. The anger for me is good, considering that means I'm telling myself i'm worth it but, I just want a break.

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @Kriss 🙂

Your post really spoke to me, so I just want to say thank you for sharing firstly - thank you 🙂

Your feelings of anger, frustration and just downright tired are so so so so valid, this kind of behaviour is not acceptable, yet we mould ourselves to 'tolerate it'..

By 'this kind of behaviour' I mean the way that others are treating you. It is dehumanising, I agree, and I can 100% understand and relate to your description of being made to feel like you are worthless (please correct me if I am wrong in my word choice there).

Whilst on my own mental health journey I have learned (through therapy and a myriad of books and studies!) and started to be more compassionate to myself.

For me, this looks like:
- setting boundaries with family (e.g. stating when something said is inappropriate or dismissive)
- maintaining those boundaries (e.g. making sure if I have stated I am not available to help a parent with their tech issues, that I stick by it and don't give in just because I feel bad, or they continue to make me feel bad for not helping - silly example but hurts deep for me!)
- using assertive communication and saying NO more

AND

the most important has been to ask myself daily what do I need today? As I have not grown up with this, the task was immensely difficult for a long time, some days it still is, but when I check in with myself of what I need, maybe even what I want, or how I am feeling, I am putting myself first.. and I think that's what is SO important for those of us who have tried endlessly to feel seen, heard and understood by those around us.

So I ask you today - what does @Kriss need today?

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Kriss 

I just want to say that I hear you, you will be heard here on the SANE forums, and your contributions will be valued by our community.  You matter!

I'm sorry to hear that your family have been contributors to you feeling thins way.  It is great though that you have realised for yourself that the way you have been treating yourself isn't something that you need and want to continue and you are taking steps to try and change this.

Something that may help you when you are feeling guilt or shame could be thinking what would you tell someone that you really care about (perhaps a close friend, pet, family member etc) if they told you they were feeling the same way, and then tell this to yourself.  Treat yourself with kindness.  It seems like you have been experiencing these feelings for some time... it will also take time for you to get used to saying nice and caring things to yourself.

You mentioned that you need a break - is there something nice that you can do for yourself (just for you) that might give you a break for even a short time?  When I'm feeling like i need to get away, I like to go for a walk at the park, or the beach and really immerse myself in my surroundings.  Is there something similar you might be able to do to take your brain away from focusing on everything that is going on for you at the moment?

I hope my comments are of some use to you.

And again, please know that you matter.  You are valued here on the SANE forums.  We hear you.

Warmest regards

SKySeeker22

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Kriss ! Well done on recognising one of your issues and where it stems from. While there is no one cure for all I absolutely believe positive self talk can improve your relationship with yourself. Some examples of this are: 

"I have done difficult things before I can do this"
"I am worthy of good things and love" 

I always find it helpful to ask myself 
"is this how I would speak to a friend/loved one in this situation?" usually we are much tougher on ourselves than we would be on somebody else. Be curious, be honest and be gentle with yourself!