Lived Experience Forum

[florencefifty]

I am struggling.

My suicidal thoughts are getting worse. I am convinced that suicide is really hidden from society, and that honestly makes it more difficult to avoid thinking about. 

Have you noticed that when they show a rare news story that mentions suicide, they don’t say the whole “if this story has brought up feelings for you, please contact Lifeline”?

I am making more enemies day to day. Let’s count them out.

The gym.

I joined a gym recently, and I am losing some weight. Unfortunately, though, I haven’t gotten used to paying for it yet and making sure I have enough in there. It’s only a very small amount per day, but I have had two payments fail, four dishonours in total…

The library.

I’ve got an overdue fee… I’m barely an hour in. And I used to love reading.

My psychologist.

I haven’t checked my e-mails in weeks, because I don’t want to read her response to me just not showing up to my last appointment.

Actually, let’s take a deep breath and check it together…

Just a bunch of ads LOL.

My psychologist did reply. She understood, but said that next time I come in, I will have to pay the cancellation fee. She said that if I cancel at the very last minute, that time is just plain lost, whereas if I cancel with more notice, she can move the appointment to someone else. Cancelling at short notice can have real therapeutic consequences for other patients, and I forgot that unfortunately.

My work.

My relationship with my team and managers has gotten to the stage where it’s luke warm… I work in customer service, and sometimes that means standing up for the customer when a certain process makes it easy for someone to potentially take advantage of them. 

There have been a couple of situations where I have thought “this is not OK”, and my managers have had to say “it’s fine”.

For example, I really struggle with clients who have a power of attorney. Like I’ve seen a couple of situations where clients have signed withdrawals and authorisations, but power of attorney was given because there’s a suggestion that the client isn’t able to make financial decisions on their own behalf. In those situations, most people just say “well technically the client signed off on it”. Sure, but it seriously bothers me…

Just with the suicide thing… I’d say it’s the very few areas of mental health you can’t talk about. But again, that makes it harder to avoid. Right now, in my head, suicide just means “saying goodbye”. It means that the coroner will give me a lovely write-up in three years time LOL. It’s not real enough for me think it’s a bad idea.

It is a bad idea. I wish I could realise it, though.

[Jynx]

Hey @florencefifty I'm a bit worried about you hun, are you safe at the moment? I will flick you an email to check in. 

I agree with you that suicide is hidden - like it's taboo, a scary thing to put over there out of sight, even though I imagine the number of people who experience SI is a LOT higher than anyone realises. I wish it were something that folks could feel safe to be more open about, maybe then we wouldn't have to wait and suppress them until they get to crisis point. Early intervention and all that. 

I kinda call BS on your psych. This is just my opinion, of course, and I am not against a cancellation fee, I think that is understandable. The idea that you are having a direct negative impact on another client though... like, if you attended the appt, then the time slot could not be given away. And yeah, if you give notice, maybe someone else can be slotted in. It just feels a bit like the sunk-cost fallacy, this idea that you've somehow robbed another client of a session by cancelling last minute. Cos life happens, sometimes we gotta eat the financial cost and cancel last minute because we don't have the time/energy/mental space to make the session. IDK, that just didn't sit well with me. I've cancelled last minute before and my psych charged me a fee, but she said it was more about her time than guilt tripping me about it being negative for others. My two cents anyway, feel free to ignore it.

I think you know on some level that suicide would be a bad idea. It seems like it feels pretty abstract and more like a solution to your struggles. I get it, and I've been there. It's a rough place to be. The end of life may be the end of pain, but it's also the end of possibility, including the chance for things to get better. 

Keep an eye out for the check in, and I hope that things improve for you soon hun.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @florencefifty , 

I'm sorry to hear you've been thinking about suicide lately, I notice your use of 'LOL' to lighten the content but I can see in your words that you are struggling. Have you made use of any free services such as lifeline? 

I'm going to offer you some advice on the things you mentioned, this is not mandatory to follow just some ideas for you to consider!

Gym - I use google calendar to remind me of payments coming up (you can set to 24 hours before and 30 minutes) alternatively you can set up a second bank account where you put money for bills and then you don't need to think about it!

The library - Similar advice to above, with the library in my state you can log in online and renew the book!

Psych - If you don't have the energy to attend on the day does your psych offer phone appointments so you could call and swap to that on the day? I'm sure your psych understands but they also need to have boundaries in treatment so you can have a good relationship. 

Work - I think it's good that you want to stand up for clients but unfortunately sometimes we have to follow our bosses direction. Do you like your job? 

[amber22]

Hey there @florencefifty 

I just wanted to check in on how you are feeling today?

Could you please respond to the safety check in email that we have sent you as soon as possible? 

Thanks so much,

Amber22