Lived Experience Forum

[FluxInBlack]

Hello Friends,

Five months back, life was good. I'd just kicked off retirement, ready to soak up all the freedom and focus on my family—my wife, who's been battling mental illness for 25 years, and our two wonderful teenage boys, who I love more than anything in the world. It felt like a fresh start.

Then, overnight, my world flipped. I was blindsided by a fake IVO, my bank accounts drained, and our savings locked away. My carer's payment got rerouted, and suddenly, all our friends turned their backs on me. I was left homeless, broke, and utterly alone. The shock was indescribable, and the worst part? I had no clue why this was happening. An inkling, maybe, but nothing concrete.

In therapy, I listed down every issue crashing over me—80 in total, many critical. The chaos led me to a dark place, and I nearly ended it all, only to be saved by the police and a two-week stay in a mental health facility. Now, I'm just getting by, renting a room and struggling to make ends meet. But it's the loneliness that's crushing me, which is why I'm reaching out here.

My wife, diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Ultra Rapid Cycling at 16, has always been my heart. Despite the challenges, including her battle with two eating disorders, I've never stopped loving her. We've navigated her highs and lows, hospital stays, and a cocktail of medications together. I've loved being a dad, running a business, and being her partner through it all.

Then, the knee pain started. Her GP incredibly prescribed her Oxycontin, which not only altered her personality over time but also negated her bipolar meds. So effectively, she's been off her proper medication for three years now, still chasing the high from Oxycontin—first through deceit, now through darker means. It terrifies me that she's the primary influence on our boys, driving them around, draining our savings on the Oxy. I'm just waiting for the call that there was an accident.

She'd been plotting my evacuation for six months, turning the kids against me and poisoning our friends' views of me. Now, I'm stuck in this nightmare. People say it gets better, but for me, it's only gotten worse. The pain of missing my boys is unbearable, matched only by the sting of isolation. I crave human connection, just like anyone else.

Sharing my story is a step towards healing, in the hope of making new friends, finding a supportive community, and exploring any advice or help out there.

If you've made it this far, I can't thank you enough. And if you're up for it, I'd love to hear from you.

Cheers, Flux

[Asgard]

Hi @FluxInBlack 

You have been through hell and back and so very glad that you reached out to this forum.  It takes a lot of guts and I know that people on this forum will embrace you and what you are going through.  Forgive my ignorance but what is an IVO and is there any way either the police or banks can assist in getting your money back.  The banks have a duty of care to you as a client.

Sorry I don't have much to offer, but hoping things get better in your life

All the very best

[8ppleTree]

Welcome to the forums @FluxInBlack 

Sorry to hear you've been through all that! I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you, and how hard you've fought to hold onto all the good. Well done for working with supports since then, and continuing to look for ways to reach out and heal. You sound like a wonderfully resourceful human being, managing all that over the years. I have no doubt that you will find new ways to connect and share your wisdom as time goes on.

Thank you for sharing your story, I guess you never really know what other people are dealing with. Look forward to hearing more from you 🙂 Take care!

[FluxInBlack]

Hey Asgard,

Thanks so much for your quick response! Your words made my day!

Often when I'm out, just going to Coles or something, I look at all these families with there kids and I ALWAYS tear up. I'm just thinking: "That was me 5 months ago, and they couldn't care less about me". But there are people who care; you just proved that. Thank you. 🙏

IVO=Intervention Order.
So my wife went to the Police, behind my back, saying all sorts of horrible things about me. So just based on her story - they never asked me a thing - the police wrote an IVO which means that I cannot enter the house or contact her or the kids. Between us two she is the aggressive and dominant one, and all my life friends and family, including my wife have told me to stand up for myself more; get angry now and then. It's really absurd. A good friend in the USA told me that over there it takes months and piles of proof to get an IVO on something. So in short: a story has destroyed my life.

About the money:
* The ING agreed that the money was stolen and they were going to reach out to my wife. 6 weeks later they came bank and said: "She said no". My mouth fell open. At that point I just felt that the whole world was against me.
* The police: They said that, because we're still married, we're seen by them as one "entity" so it doesn't matter where the money sits.

Not much to offer? You totally made my day!

One more question: Are you aware of some sort of support group who have physical meetings or outings?

Cheers - Flux 😎

[FluxInBlack]

Thanks for your kind message, Appletree!

Are you aware of any other groups, perhaps groups that meet in rl or do outings?

[Doog]

Hi Flux. I'm not sure where to start.

@FluxInBlack

Firstly, welcome to the forum and thankyou for opening the thread.

@FluxInBlack

Your situation brought tears to my eyes and a pounding to my chest. I hear you. I feel with you. I know how hard it is. “Living” from one moment to the next. After 2 years I now get to maybe an hour between thoughts of betrayal and anger and longing and hoping and wishing and dreading…

@FluxInBlack

Like you, I loved being a dad and husband despite serious trials. Like you I was plotted against. Our friends poisoned against me. An IVO/AVO threatened - despite me never raising my voice let alone a hand against my wife. Our financial and physical assets stolen. Our retirement dreams trashed.  “No-one” to talk to. To hold. To laugh with. I am “lucky”, I have older children, who are old enough to make their own decisions. Who have been able to see, at least partially, through their mother’s lies. I have siblings I can talk with; and a couple of “my” friends. None of them “get it” but I am forever grateful for them sticking by me. I am grateful to the people on this forum for their support.

@FluxInBlack

My mental health has copped a battering. Much of the time I feel I am making no progress, but then I look to where I’ve come from. Clearing the train carriage with my tears when I was dumped over the phone and thirty years of marriage. Tears many times every day. Horrible thoughts. Suicidal. Hospital. And now I can go days without tears. I can put a sentence together. I can have thought not related to my separation. More often seeing some sort of future.

@FluxInBlack

You have got this far, Flux. You have shown yourself to be strong based on the decisions you've made. I’m confident you can find a new set friends. Your children will come back. And with luck your wife will get the treatment she needs and again play a meaningful life - with or without you.

@FluxInBlack

Go well and thank you for your strength in starting this thread - something I was never able to do.

@FluxInBlack @8ppleTree @Asgard 

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. @Doog .

I'm hearing so much about the battering and pain you have endured.

We appreciate you being able to open up to share your experiences with us.

[Doog]

sorry about the ridiculous formatting! It wasn't me!!

[KirSa_EnigmA]

Hi @FluxInBlack 

I empathise with your parental alienation situation as I'm in a similar ongoing experience for about 10 years.  So many ups and downs, and the heartache. I get it. 

Hang in there.  Tell them you love them and miss them any chance you get, and strengthen your own life so you can be there when they are old enough to escape the chaos. 

All the best, 

~ K

[KirSa_EnigmA]

Hey @FluxInBlack 

When I first experienced parental alienation about 10 years ago, I was completely lost.  I had no idea what to do. I shared my troubles with a friend and he offered me this paragraph of advice, which I'll share with you now.  I look at it now and then to remind myself of the long-game... and how important it is to keep your head when someone is trying to mess with it through lies and deception. I hope it helps. 

***

The best mental salve for curing that feeling is to draw forth to muster that inner strength I know is in there. Use it to focus your thoughts and efforts, through discipline, thought, and control, upon taking the moral high ground.

No matter how much emotion is tearing you up inside, suppress (not REpress— there's an important difference) those emotions as presented to the outside world. Remain cool as the proverbial cucumber and unmoved/unaffected by emotion in all dealings in that area of interaction.

Make sure those dealings always present you as the bigger person, even be magnanimous as much as possible. Observe the discomfort this opposite-from-expected reaction disturbs the perpetrator and upsets their game.

Begin to focus your mental energy on *pride* in your moral approach in the face of all attacks. The self-esteem that builds from developing success at this control becomes a self-fueling feedback loop that makes you feel good and drives out the hate and fear.

Despite the perpetrator pretending not to notice, it will be driving them nuts as they get frustrated at their inability to move your Rock of Gibraltar fairness and honesty. They will try ever harder to get the desired response from you.

Don’t give it.

Give more, calmness, peace, honesty, and magnanimity to each escalation.

This turns the tables and puts YOU in control of the game.

As the frustrated perpetrator resorts to ever more bizarre and childish escalations in failed attempts to get the desired response from you, they eventually look very ridiculous to the rest of the world and their strategy will just implode. Just sayin'

~ AC

*** 

Using this approach you can gain control back of your life, and how you respond to escalations and dramas.  10 years going, and the dramas haven't stopped (I'm expecting a legal dispute again soon... it's been a while and she was suspiciously nice to me the other day! 😅), but they have slowed down a great deal and don't disturb me as much as they used to. 

Crying in the supermarket is a familiar experience bud... been there.  I try and cry in the shower these days, bit easier to explain the tears!  😉 

~ K