Lived Experience Forum

[JJQT]

So I finally left my husband. I have my own place. Not far, just a couple of blocks so the kids can still visit/stay with me. I thought I would feel empowered but it's quite the opposite. 

I have zero self-confidence. I second guess everything I do, which is impacting my work as I am in a leadership position. I feel like it's my fault for leaving an abusive relationship. 

I know it's not just the separation. There's a history of sexual abuse, my second in charge at work is undermining me, and my mother says all of this is my fault and I should 'just stay until the kids are 18'. My best friend isn't talking to me. 

It's all too much at the moment. I feel like I'm worthless. Like the world wouldn't miss me. I want to hide and not talk to anyone but at the same time I want to scream out to them that I need help. I want someone to know what happened and why I feel the way I do. Why I cry myself to sleep every night. Why I can't make a simple decision at work and apologise for everything. 

But I don't. I keep quiet, park it all at the gate and push through another day. Until I get home, alone, and the suicidal thoughts return. I've kept them at bay so far but it's getting harder to do so. 

I've spoken to LifeLine, 1800 respect and am organising a counsellor. I don't know what else I can do. 

[NatureLover]

Well done, @JJQT ! That is huge. 

I'm sorry to hear about all the bad things that seem to come at once 😢

I hope the counsellor and the 1800 RESPECT and Lifeline support help.

Sending you good wishes... 

[Asgard]

Hi @JJQT 

You should be very proud of yourself for leaving that abusive relationship.  You had the courage and faith in yourself to do it for yourself and your kids.  Just reading your post I am so very proud of you, you have left the abusive relationship, you found a new place to live, you have kids who adore you, you are holding down a full time job -- you are awesome.

Yes it is hard but you believed in yourself and you have done right by yourself

All the very best

[Jasper_123]

Hi @JJQT , firstly I need you to recognise how big a thing it is to leave an abusive relationship. I think the statistic is that on average in AUS it takes a person seven attempts to leave one. It can also be incredibly dangerous to do so. You are strong and you are courageous even if right now you don't feel that way. Of course you are doubting yourself in facets of your life like work, somebody has crumbled your self worth over time and made you feel like you aren't enough - well you are! 

I can totally relate to your experience of being blamed and guilted and ignored in your experience of abuse, I felt similar frustrations growing up with an abusive parent. I would encourage you to find something to do outside of work to build your confidence + find new supports. Is there a domestic abuse support group in your area? What are your interests? I've always found reading books ("self help") helpful in my recovery journey. 

I hope this has been helpful in some way, we are here for you!

[8ppleTree]

Hi @JJQT 

I just want to extend my empathy and give you a virtual hug. Anybody who is going through something like that would be doing it tough. So don't beat yourself up. Some things take time.

Be proud of yourself for making the leap. The new life will come, you're just in the waiting lounge at the moment, finding your balance again.

Keep reaching out, gathering supports, making the new connections. The confidence will follow, the other side of yourself, once away from the old pressures, will come out to dance again. 

You did it! You stood up for yourself. You are a boss.