Lived Experience Forum

[Moochmouse]

Sometimes, like now, I can't see the point in speaking anymore. I have husband (married 32 years),who never seems to listen, or answer and leaves me struggling to work out what he wants or what he is thinking. My only contact is with him and one friend, and an occasional phone call from our daughter. 

I struggle with every day living, and at times like this I think walking off planet earth is the easiest,  and yet hardest choice to make. Or, I think about walking away,  only not just away , but keep on walking  until I cannot go any further,  then lay down and wait for oblivion.  

I hate the headspace I am in, can see no way out, and each day that passes I think more and more towards giving everything up.

I get sick of hearing 'we need to get you better so you can have a life of happiness and with worth ' I wonder why I need this, when all I have ever known is how to take care of other people.  Is a life worth living just that? Forgoing your own needs for others all the time?  I don't know if I want to keep living that life. 

I want human contact,  conversation. But that is never going to come. Never has and never will. And I don't know why I keep trying day in and day out.

[Jynx]

Hi @Moochmouse  - I'm sorry to hear you're really struggling at the moment. I'm glad you're reaching out - I'm just going to flick you a quick email to check in. 

[NatureLover]

Hi @Moochmouse , I'm sorry to hear how horrible things are for you at the moment.

I don't think we're meant to live a life that's focussed solely on others' needs and not our own at all.

What supports do you have, if any? Do you have a supportive GP or counsellor? I really hope so...

Hoping you will be OK, @Moochmouse .

[Lilaca]

Hi @Moochmouse, 

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@Moochmouse wrote:

I wonder why I need this, when all I have ever known is how to take care of other people.  Is a life worth living just that? Forgoing your own needs for others all the time?  I don't know if I want to keep living that life. 

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When I read this, you reminded me of someone who is similar to you. He is a very caring person, though he never realises or sees this in himself. He spends pretty much all his life caring for others, be it in his work as a carer to the aged, disabled and special needs people, or taking in abandoned animals in his backyard, or allowing his sibling to stay in the main house, while he lived next to it in a caravan and later moving to a studio grannies flat. As he was close to retirement, his next plan is to move in with his elderly mom to look after in her last years. He was so busy caring for everyone that he forgot to get married and has a family himself. He doesn't seem to mind either, living a cheerful, jovial life, busy taking care of all the people around him. 

Somehow his kindness shines through! I saw that in him and it's the kind of person I want to be. Isn't it lovely to live in an environement where people genuinely care for each other?

I am currently still in the stage of life busy with careers and have met many ego based people who put their needs above all else and would not hesitate to trample others. It's a very hostile environment which is why I valued those who are sincere and would put others before themselves without a second thought.

Nevertheless, I understand that you probably might need a bit of me time to balance out your caring side. There are many groups out there which you can join to meet similar minded people. It's hard to meet people now due to covid-19, but in the meantime you can reach out to the loving community here. 

Just to let you know that I truly value your caring nature, and I believe that's what life is all about: cultivating true virtues. And I gained happiness by seeing it in others and hopefully nurturing it in myself. Your husband may probably take it for granted since he has been together with you for so long. I know I would be the same too if I were him, but I will always try to response in kind.