Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[bla-ckcat]

Hi all,

I (26F) have been looking for a place to be able to read others stories who have similar experiences to me. I’m an only child to a mother (68F) with severe depression that developed suddenly late in life. It’s been shocking, distressing and frustrating. Being the only immediate family my mum has is tough and I struggle to balance my own life and looking after her. She won’t accept help from others and it’s putting a lot of strain on my whole life. She’s been inpatient for 4 months and will be coming out in a week and I’m worried as I feel she is pretty similar to when she was admitted. 
I’m at the point where I feel I need to take a break from here and let her figure it out on her own and seek other supports.

[lavenderhaze]

Hey @bla-ckcat, 

I would like to welcome you to the forums 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story.

It takes a lot of courage to open up about the challenges you're facing as a caregiver, especially when it involves caring for a loved one with severe depression.

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation, and I can empathise with the overwhelming feelings of distress and frustration. Balancing your own life while also being the primary caregiver for your mum is undoubtedly challenging, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling the strain. I'm sorry to hear that your mum's condition hasn't improved much despite being inpatient for four months.

It's natural to worry about her well-being, especially as she prepares to transition back home. However, it's important to remember that you can't shoulder all of the responsibility on your own. Taking a break and seeking other supports could be a necessary step for both your well-being and your mum's. It's okay to prioritise your own mental and emotional health, even if it means temporarily stepping back from your caregiving role. Have you considered discussing your concerns with your mom's healthcare providers? Head to Health is a nationwide service that can help with navigating the system and accessing the right support. They may be able to offer guidance and resources to help support your mum's transition back home and alleviate some of your worries. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish—it's essential for maintaining your own health and well-being. You can't pour from an empty cup, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. You're not alone in this journey, and there are people who understand and can offer support along the way. Take care of yourself, and know that you're doing the best you can in a difficult situation. ❤️

https://www.headtohealth.gov.au/

[defaultusername]

Hi @bla-ckcat,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing.

I couldn't agree more with @lavenderhaze's lovely words, being a primary caregiver and the only child must feel like a big responsibility and would be very overwhelming at times. Even more so when your mother is experiencing complex mental health challenges.

I am also very sorry that your mother, as far as you can tell, hasn't improved and that she may not be any better than when she entered the facility. But at least you have had a break in the meantime.

And as @lavenderhaze mentioned, you cannot be expected to carry all the responsibility on your own. Does your mother have a Home Care Package with My Aged Care? I don't know where my mother and I would be without them, as they have been a big help and can make life just that little bit easier.

I'm also wondering if you have any supports for yourself? Such as counselling, a support worker, or support group? As there are some amazing support services out there that really can help lighten the load, so to speak.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Know that you're not alone,

defaultusername

[bla-ckcat]

Thanks for much for the resource. I have discussed my concerns with them quite regularly and ultimately, my mum won’t accept help from anyone else other than me. I’m trying to set clear boundaries with her and only provide support within those boundaries (offering my time when it suits me and if she declines then saying that’s her decision). I was calling and seeing her all the time (every day) and it was costing me too much. She doesn’t seem to care how much is impacts me and is unwilling to accept other resources that are available, so I’m withdrawing a lot of my support to “force her hand” as harsh as that sounds.

[bla-ckcat]

Thank you @defaultusername. I am seeking my own counselling and applied for carer support through Carergateway but having heard anything back. I would love some kind of support group/peer carer support from people a similar age to me as many carers are older.

Once mum goes home, she will have an ACAT assessment so that should hopefully get her some support at home.

I just don’t want to lose my own life whilst caring for her, as it feels very unfair. 

[tyme]

In all this, please make sure you look after yourself. @bla-ckcat .

We are here to support you.

[defaultusername]

That's good that you're looking into some counselling @bla-ckcat and that you've contacted CarerGateway — seeing as there's been a bit of a wait, perhaps you could follow up?

And don't worry, that doesn't sounds harsh - it sounds like you've been sensible with trying to set up some healthy boundaries for yourself.

What would your preferred method of carer/peer support groups be? As there can be a mixture of online or in person meetings depending on your location. I know that both Carer Gateway (https://www.carergateway.gov.au/about/peer-support-groups) and your local Carer Australia organisation (https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/about-us/our-member-organisations/) would be able to help with this.

There is also a Carer Support Group Australia Facebook page which is a good one to join.

That's good news about the ACAT assessment, not only will that help your mother's needs be met, but hopefully it will take some pressure off of you too.

How are you going this week? And how are things going now that your mother is back? 

Take care and remember to be kind to yourself,

defaultusername