Lived Experience Forum

[Kelsa]

You make me act in a way that is ugly

You make me deceive the ones who truly care

Worst of all you made me believe you could make me happy

All you did was hurt me

I gave you my all

After being left with a shattered heart and a broken soul

You arrived promising me the world

A bullied unloved child needed saving and you were there

I finally didn’t feel alone and afraid but you delivered nothing but pain and struggle

To this day I still don’t know who I am

I am lost inside this hell

I don’t know my identity apart from being the sick girl

You were all I had for so long

You did find me acceptance but from the wrong people

The ones who cared more about the size of my body then my broken soul

As long as I was skinny I was loveable after all 

The real ones who cared about my wounds you gave them nothing but difficult

I stupidly followed you and over time convinced myself I was better off dead

You made me believe I was beyond help

I bet you were happy that I had finally relinquished all control and you had complete hold

That was until my team came rushing in desperately trying to fight you when I was weak

The hospital took full rights over my body and that’s a hell I can never tell 

They saved my life

It was traumatic and extremely difficult but if they didn’t you would have won

I put up the fight you wanted me too not in the way that would save me but in a way that would save you

After all the only way you win is if I am dead and that’s always been your end goal

I’m starting to see that’s not how I want my story to end

I’ve caught you out on your lies and deceit you are someone I don’t want to be

You manipulated me to manipulate the ones who care in order to protect you 

You tried so hard to push them away

I resisted and made it so hard to let them in even though they genuinely cared

You are ruthless

Your goal was to push them all away all along so I’d be left with just you

the way you like it

I’d be left entering my life sentence

Leaving behind the ones who fought to keep me alive

You bullied me

Critiqued me

You made me so insecure

I lost almost everything

You left me as a shell inside of myself

Portraying a fake personality to get through everyday

I started to believe that was the real me 

I wore a beaming smile on my face so no one could tell 

Deep down I was in so much pain and just wanted my life to end

The struggle was brutal and being close to death and still having to live like nothings wrong is a torture I’ll never forget

After years of beating me down you got me to a point where death is all I wanted 

Death screamed freedom

You made me smug and deceiving

You made me lie all to protect you and your lies

My team saw me the real Kelsie

They gave me purpose to fight

They built my self worth and reminded me I was enough

They didn’t care about the size of my body

They just wanted to make sure I was happy and healthy

They saved me not you

I don’t regret my time with you as you have taught me how to slay dragons

You have taught me to live with demons inside my head and still look like nothings wrong

You have shown me I can come face to face with death and survive it

You have given me life skills that will make me unstoppable when I build my strength back again and eventually let you go

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Kelsa, thank you for your post and for sharing your thoughts and poem with the community! It takes courage to share your story and deep emotions about your life and experiences. Take care RiverSeal