I don't know where I am going to be

[Hyperballad]

So, I don't know where I am going to be in three months time. Life feels like it's hanging on a thin thread at the moment. My saving grace is that I spent time with my family yesterday (I'm a single gay man so when I say family I mean parents, and my siblings' families). I know I might sound dramatic, and maybe I am, but I believe I have something to offer this worrld I just don't know who appreciates it.

[rav3n]

Hey @Hyperballad i'm so sorry to hear you don't feel appreciated. Sometimes the people around us fail to show us but they really do care and see you! I'm glad to hear that spending time with your family helped, and I hope the forums can also be another place of sanctuary and support for you.

We appreciate you just as you are, and we see hear & see you @Hyperballad 💗

Please know we are here to support you. However, if you feel you need immediate support, please reach out to:
Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

[Glisten]

@Hyperballad

You have the right to exist. Does not matter if you have 0 to offer.

You do not have to justify your existence.

You have the right to be loved and respected.

Doesn’t matter where you are in 3 months or 3 years. Just be.

G

[MJG017]

Hi @Hyperballad.  I'm sure I replied to this last night but it doesn't seem to be showing so i'm not sure what happened.

I know that feeling of not knowing where i'm going to be in 3 months... for very different reasons I'm sure, but I know the stress and uncertainty it brings.

I'm sure you do have something to offer, and i'm sure your family feel that you already do.  I'm sure they appreciate it and care for you but maybe it's me, but I think people don't always tell us these things, they just sort of assume we know.  We develop these doubts and they build over time and slowly we start to see them as facts.

I think just being around and being there around the people in our lives and supporting them and even just being there for them, can be all we need to offer.  It took a serious health issue for me to finally discover some things that I was passionate about and this years I've started to work towards them.  This has resulted in a new found feeling of knowing that I am doing something to help others and myself at the same time.  I've found my self connected to more people than ever before.  Not a huge list, but for me... a massive improvement.  I didn't change it on my own though, I first realised I needed help and support from people including professionals and reached out for the first time in my life (so wasn't easy at all!) and slowly started to feel like I was doing something important which helped my mental state so much.

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Hyperballad 

You are wonderful, your writing, your voice is wonderful. The world needs you. More than you know 💜

[Hyperballad]

Thank you @rav3n @Glisten @MJG017 @8ppleTree - your words have been very uplifting. It is great to be able to come here and be heard. I've had a lot of strength over the past 18 months and particularly over the past few months. I have a lot to be proud of. It's a challenging period of my life and I am very lucky to have family on side at the moment. I've also been grateful for the crisis support services like Lifeline because that check-in is useful. I've learned a lot about how those in my friendship circle are pretty useless - they just want you to be around when you're successful or. confident or happy. So I've been very selective about who I have around me at the moment. I don't want to sound like a bore but it's really putting myself first.

[Glisten]

@Hyperballad @It takes years to retrain the brain 🧠 after social programming.

Not putting yourself first, but asking “what does this person bring to the relationship table?

If friends don’t inspire you, cheer you on, then you need new friends.

G

[MJG017]

No problem at all @Hyperballad, we all need a few kind words every so often.  It sounds like you're feeling pretty positive a the moment which is fantastic.  It can be so easy to forget our strengths and the things we can be thankful.

The one good think about those hard times is you do find out who your real friends are... sometimes even who in your family you can count on.  I totally understand about putting yourself first.  I did the same thing earlier in the year.  I think you have to to get out of those really tough places.  It's hard enough dealing with your own stuff, without adding other peoples to your own pile.  On the plus side, when I did start to come out of it a lot of things seemed clearer and a lot of the things that stressed me no longer felt important.  Keep heading upward.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Hyperballad 

Not a bore at all! There are some really inspiring and interesting people in this world, and most of them have a stories that have some real-talk, real value, and real passion/compassion in them (in my opinion). Getting rid of the surface level, fair-weather friends can be such a blessing in disguise. A bit sad because it feels like you're on your own, but when you look back years later, you can be so in awe of the integrity you held for yourself and grateful for the new people that process naturally attracts into your life. 

There is sometimes a reason why we don't feel so good, life can show us the areas where we need more self-care, self-awareness and really, where we are more deserving of the good things in life. It sounds like you have been taking all the steps to rebuild a great life, and have a huge depth of self-awareness as well 🙂

[Hyperballad]

Wow it's been a month since I posted this original discussion. I wandered over to check out the SANE forums for the first time in a bid. A lot has been going on. I started meds close to 4 weeks ago. I decided it was worth a shot. It's been ok starting up - the usual expected side effects and I actually started to feel optimistic and level a few times over the past several days, but it's also been a rollercoaster. It can feel challenging to keep the ship steady on rough seas and you start to feel like you have wind in the sails and making progress and then I fall back again. If only this was linear haha. Honestly haven't been though something as much like this in my life where it feels as challenging to get myself up again. I now have a peer support worker who I see once a week F2F as part of a S prevention program and it's been really valuable to speak with someone who has lived experience as well. Sometimes I wish I could just break and throw it all away and just be looked after haha.  

Anyway I hope everyone is going ok