Ex-partner and father to my daughter has BPD

[Sonogong99]

Hey guys. I'm a young mum doing it rough on my own. I've had an on again off again relationship with my ex who got diagnosed with BPD only last year but has had it for at least 5 years. He is the father of my daughter and I left him when he started getting a bit aggressive around me when our daughter was 5 months. It was a traumatic experience. I so deeply loved him and tried to help him but admittedly there were times I messed up and would lash out due to pregancy hormones. Everyone was on my side because I was heavily pregnant trying to care for my BPD partner who would always turn on me or love me deeply back. It was scary but also a memory I cherish. So confused. When he wasn't having a BPD episode he was so lovely and doing his best to be a dad. I stayed with him because I understood that he couldn't help everything. His parents abandoned him for sometime, his friends were toxic but every time he turned on me he'd go running back to them, the same people who told me to hurt myself while pregnant. It was traumatic but my friends embraced him not just because I asked them to but they educated themselves on BPD too and we all just wanted to see him thrive with me. After I split from him I saw him a few times. I told him he could still see either of us and that I want him to get help. Which he was. For the first time he bought me roses, went to appointments on time and promised to support me and our daughter. I wrote on centrelink documents we would stay split until his mental health showed promise. Anyway last time we spent together we slept together. It felt so wrong I started crying and told him I think I don't love him anymore. It hurt me so so so much because I loved this man through thick and thin and forgave every wrong he did to me and our daughter. He seemed understanding and hugged me while I cried and fell asleep. After that we were meant to meet again and give me some belongings. 
He didn't come. I saw he was playing games online... He didn't reply texts or look at photos I sent of our daughter and eventually blocked my number. He stopped going to appointments. He won't let me get my things. He hasn't given me financial support for baby. He hasn't even tried to see her. I saw him for the first time in 4 months and he had his arm around another girl and ignored me and the baby when I pleaded with him to see his daughter. I have called the police asking for help with my things but because he told them he is fine and happy to cooperate (despite evidence) there is nothing they can do. 

I just want to understand why he's doing this. I try to look for answers and all it does is make my cry and confused, sorry and forgiving. I love him so much still. The child health nurse who even attempted to come with me to get my belongings asked "do you want to take him back?" and you'de think immediately no way! But I hesitated because if it weren't for the fact he moved on already and ignored the baby I would have said yes. I loved him at his best and worst and I want him to get better so we can coparent. I can't seem to get over him and I'm hurting so bad. Sometimes I look at my daughter and think of all this love I had to give him I will give to her that way I feel like I can still give it to him. I am still helping him. It sucks because whenever I said to him would you ever move on from me he told me he'd just stay single forever because he loves me too much to replace me. But he did. He gave up on me and his daughter. Why? He says he's fine but even my friends, dcp, neighbours believe he isn't but there's no way to help him. I feel sad and helpless. Why do I still love him as much as the first day I met him despite all the trauma and abuse. I just wanted to leave and give him the kick in the pants to get better and I thought he would. Why did he change? Will he change back? Will my love for him ever fade. I wish I could forget how I feel towards him.

[livefree]

BPD is like NPD, they are similar. You can never be cured of these conditions. They are hardwired in the brain. They get angry, they self medicate, they have risky sex, they will turn on you, abandon you, shock you. They get worse with age.

id suggest you move on. That's a big ask for very sensitive souls. Find a nice bloke and find happy ! My sister had bpd, she seen a shrink for years and it went nowhere.

[Former-Member]

@Sonogong99, 

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing some of what you have been going through. I'm one of the moderators. It sounds like you and your ex had an incredibly intense relationship and I can only imagine how painful and difficult it is dealing with this separation, especially when at times he has been so loving. I hope the forums can be a piece of what helps you get through. Don't hesitate to ask us moderators or other members questions if you need 🌻

[ExBPDParent]

Hi there lovely

I have just joined the forum, but my ex husband also has BPD (2 children 5 & 7). I have desperately tried to co-parent with him and after a few very traumatic months of being fearful about our safety (long story), I am seeking some more help re this too.

So much of what you wrote reminds me of my first 2 years after we separated. The absolute most useful thing I did was Melanie Tonia Evans NARP program. Whilst it is focussed on narcissistic abuse recovery, it is so relevant to anyone dealing with a BPD relationship.

She has a free 16 day course which you will find really useful. It will help address that deep confusion about why you still love him. I had to get to the root of that before I could just focus on my kids.

Good luck lovely and take care of that beautiful daughter of yours. I have realised that this ongoing roller-coaster will be long term and in some ways, your ex not wanting to be involved with your daughter right now may actually be easier for you both. I wish I had put much firmer boundaries in place earlier than I did as so much damage has been done.

[MissTreated]

Hi everyone.  I am new to this forum and after 13 years of this second marriage I am suspecting that perhaps my husband has bpd?? (he says I am a narcissist and I try to pathologise him). I would like our marriage to work for children's sake).

We have always just thought there was a communication issue (I would say something (which I intended to be) innocent and he'd read it so negatively)) and then this wonderful and loving side of him would turn into a nasty, name calling, abusive, angry side.  He'd say I am evil, 2 faced,  cheap, stupid  hag and for the past 6 years, he has  accused me of cheating whenever I mentioned I am meeting up with family or friends.  He's threatened to suicide and says he had attempted but a "female" saved him and that I failed as a wife (now he says it in front of kids like he's lost any filters (kids are now mostly late teens)).  He tells kids I'm untrustworthy and I fear and resent that he's destroying bonds between my step kids and I.  He has cut ties with his NPD parents  he tells people that we meet about his childhood abuse.  He has PTSD and chronic pain.  He has cut himself once recently and that just totally freaked me out and I can't tell anyone!

Each time we fight it would be over something he perceived I said innocently and I feel abuse and misunderstood.   He threatened to divorce me if I don't do this or if I don't do that. But if I agree to leave he'd tell me he'd make sure he makes my life  hell and leave me with nothing as no one gets away treating him this way (ie that I had betrayed him and I planned this with my family - !!????!!).  He says I am his enemy and he hates me (this really hurts to hear as I do love him.. and rapidly resenting his abuse). Then after a week of awkward silence and constant sms of female colleagues (he knows I have insecurities with infidelity) he'd completely change and says I'm a rare find and he loves me and checks if I'd leave him as I can find sometime better etc. .  I feel my mental health is suffering and it has taken me this long to suspect he has bpd.   He says I'm the cause of his suicidality, I've destroyed the marriage and I treat him like a doormat and he'd try to tell me what (he perceives) I do to him and I just don't get it!  The worse thing is,  he threatened to do all those things he imagines that I'm doing to him back to me and this causes my a lot of stress and anxiety++++.  I tried to vent to my family and he hacked into my phone and now banned my family from coming to the house or him ever seeing them and they are 2 faced and evil.  I am in the process of looking for a counsellor to learn ways to communicate and have a functional marriage.  I feel totally emotionally burned out as his angry outbursts and accusations and name calling are random and could start at random depending on how he interprets a word ot tone in my next sentence.  Feeling very deflated and exhausted and stuck.

Please help, if you've had experience with those with diagnosed BPD, does he sound like he has bpd or do I have mh issues and because "I am incapable of listening" to him and "I am righteous and arrogant"? (his words to me).